No. 39

Note: There's a 'hidden message' in this one, literally

Wishy-washy I could be silly
Every time I'm with you, you hit me
Just do not dismiss all my efforts
Unless absent, nobody comforts
Stick around, it doesn't matter
Take time on it, I'll never falter
Chaos cannot be controlled by me
Alibis I make, you wouldn't see
Neither you or whatever that be
Things go beyond a dichotomy
Barren the tree becomes before fall
Every memory after that dull
Beyond that time, you might've been gone
Unlike then, we're classmates on at least one
Those chances present, I've taken none
Wishy-washy, I could be foolish
Every message you sent, I cherish
Let things happen' occurs to often
Living like this, my chances lessen
Sunflowers are not on the bloom yet
'Till that day comes, plans should be set
I expect a little on what I'll get
Like a last die roll, I'll place my bet
Last or not, I hope there's no regret
Being constrained helps, or it does not
Every thought I have starts with a 'but'
Freedom, a resource that I misuse
Really bothers me the things I choose
I always doubt, actions lead to lose
Even though the tides are against me
Never mind them, carry on and be
Die trying, that, I hope, you will see
Soon, I promise I'll be, less than three

"Grades don't measure intelligence and age doesn't define maturity" - First Term

1.0

Mondays were assigned as the 'break' day for students during weekdays. Sounds good for long weekends or cramming requirements, right? No, you can't. But maybe if there's some weird non-working holiday (aside from the red ones on the calendar), you can enjoy a few of them.

Class covers the whole day, 8-11am then 1-4 pm. Boring isn't it? I do a few plates for the day yet I have no idea what to do. I can't do anything because I don't have a good compass, an extra pencil, or a decent eraser. I struggled learning what must be done with those plates. Come final exam, I'm not prepared because I was busy with another subject, which has an activity also happening for a whole day. That 4-hour exam probably was my worst, in terms of preparedness. Utterly neglected it along the way.

54.0

8:30 AM mornings, I take a 20-minute walks from where I live to your classroom. I walk against waves of students coming from where I'm going, or any place near it. I see them every day or rather every other, I used to have a crush or two from those waves of students. I really don't really expect anything, just get into the class and prepare for scheduled exams . I already knew someone beforehand before we became classmates on that class. I don't get bored on class because you can share a lot of things, important or not, discretely. I'm always excited to tell him whatever your busy with or what you've learned after your class the previous day.
On the first exam, we looked and compared our answer sheets. His score was better than mine, but, we both failed.
"What happened to us? Is the exam really that hard?" he asked.
"I don't know. Honestly, I can't answer a thing properly during exam because I'm panicking all throughout, it's as if I've forgotten what I've studied the night before."
We carried on, took the next few exams, checked the trend of our scores and computed target grades. We talked to our instructor before the deadline of dropping to check our standing. We didn't drop, hoping that we could bounce back with the remaining exams.
Fast forward to the final exams, a few moments after it actually.
"How was it? Do you have any plans if the fallout happens?" he asked.
"I don't know, feels like Final Crisis to me - 'the skies bleed red, universes collapse, heroes die..." You know what I mean? I'm really worried about my scholarship, I just hope they'll understand and reconsider. How about you?"
"I maybe I'll proceed my decision of shifting-out. My parents are also considering that option. I think that was the thing I really wanted to do."
"Well, good luck with that. *laughs* What about our comic book project? You'll right then I'll produce it or is it the other way around?"
"*laughs* Whatever your comfortable. And we'll get on it as soon as we have a concrete and interesting premise."
He went to his dormitory while I continued on my way home. We still exchange text messages occasionally. Our 'project' is still to be discussed indefinitely. Maybe the next time I'll see him, he's already starting a degree in law. While a few of my friends are continuing their studies as future lawyers and doctors, I'm still here trying to get meaning of what I really want to be (or is it what I really want to do.)


To be continued...

Tenses and other mish-mash

Thinking back and forth. That's what I do often. When I think about it, there's this crude idea of risk management to which I anchor upon everything I do during the course twenty-two-year life. There are those times you simply hold back things because they aren't worth it or you rush through stuff headlong just because it's just plain, simple fun. This past year has been the hardest (yet) but the best (so far), in terms of self-fulfillment. I'll try to make a brief run-through to get this point started.


Past
After getting through high school, there's that feeling trying out almost everything you can in college. Basically, you have an environment that is very different from what you've used to. Meet new friends and acquaintances, get around the metro and somewhere else, try new things and rediscover forgotten/neglected ones. I got so amazed of what's in store for me and how these things are easily within my reach whereas back in high school and grade school, it's simply a blessing when you even get to see any of them.

Apparently, after one-and-a-half to two years of a little merry-making, I failed my Elementary Analysis II. That fatal mistake made me realize my limitations and gave a short hint of what the rest of my journey of college would be.
Just when you're ready to get up, another unexpected thing happens to you. I got hospitalized for twelve days, during final exams week, because I was diagnosed with leptospirosis with acute kidney failure as a complication. It was the longest twelve days of my life, I tried to study for my exams but of no good because your body doesn't cooperate either. And that cost me another year in college.

Then, there's this what I call 'year one' (there's also 'year one point five') to catch up with every subject I missed. Here I also made a lot of new (and continuing) friendships, tried a few more things and discarded some. It could have been the best time of my life but in fact, I haven't accomplished anything I could be proud of yet.


Present
I'm slowly getting the feel of what I should expect with my current course (honestly, I've been clueless for the longest time). Dealing with multiple (and sometimes overlapping) deadlines is a tough job, along with sharpening my analytical and creative (yes, seriously) skills didn't seem that easy. I've been through a lot of night-outs these past few months, had some fun, listened a lot and shared a few (lol). Juggling with playing catch up with your friends and your current program seems to cost you some headaches but is definitely rewarding.

As this semester's close is fast approaching, the workload piling up, and various dates to take not off, I take a short break to think, "Am I doing it right? Did I achieve what I have set on my sight?" Well, that can be argued. Recently, almost all of my outputs are sub par and I can't be proud of it. What thing could make me proud of and also, when is that happening?


Future
Honestly, I don't know what career I'll be taking after I graduate. I'll still try new things that could help me decide on it. Maybe I'll try to be in a band, grow flowers or vegetables, write a book (or a comic book perhaps), the list goes on.

Plans for incoming months include a company internship (still waiting progress through some followups, multiple options considered and fingers crossed) or summer classes (for advanced units or again, catch up - hopefully not the latter). Whichever comes first will be it.

I'll try to give out my best on what I'm currently doing and what happens after it. Maybe I'll discover what I really want to do as I go along.